My vampire boyfriend

15 Aug

I hate Twilight for a lot of reasons—first and foremost that it teaches young girls to feel ashamed of their burgeoning sexuality. But Twilight also made vampires lame, and while that’s not as serious an offense, it’s not one I take lightly either. I’ve always loved vampires, even from an age when I couldn’t possibly appreciate the consequences of eternal life. I spent my high school years watching Buffy and Angel, and wondering why I never got to kiss anyone with fangs.

Now I feel ashamed of my vampiric urges. It’s not only Twilight‘s fault, but damned if it doesn’t feel that way. Tween vampire romance is hot right now, and that ruins things for the rest of us. Even more adult entertainment like True Blood has turned steamy vampire-on-human action into fluffy cuddleporn. (Yeah, there’s still fucking, but oh, God, the pillow talk.) But rather than accept defeat and give up my dreams of vampire romance, I’m going to reclaim the concept. When I say I want a vampire boyfriend, I don’t mean Edward Cullen or Stefan Salvatore or even Eric Northman. They suck. If that’s what vampires are like, I’ll stick to humans and maybe the occasional warlock.

But I’d like to believe the right vampire is out there, somewhere.

My vampire boyfriend will be a nice guy. He won’t drink human blood, ever, except possibly a little bit of mine, consensually. (I’m not 100 percent sure about this. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.) Part of the sexual appeal of vampires is that they’re dangerous, but I’d rather not be in any actual danger. And even if my vampire boyfriend is mildly threatening—not to me, but by virtue of the fact that he’s a vampire—I don’t want him to be a dick about it. Like, yeah, you’re a powerful bloodthirsty being: doesn’t mean you have to be an asshole. There’s nothing cute about bad manners. And to that end, if I do decide he can have some of my blood, he damn well better ask first.

My vampire boyfriend will respect me. He will not be a misogynist tool who thinks all women in the immediate vicinity need protecting, and he won’t look down on me because I’m a human. (A fragile, skittish human, to be precise.) He’s going to have to accept that while he has certain strengths mere mortals may be lacking, it’s obnoxious to lord those other over people. Plus, we all have different skill sets. Maybe he can tear off an enemy’s head with ease. No big—I know all the state capitals. (This isn’t true, but you get the idea.) Relationships are about balance: I want a boyfriend, not a bodyguard. Well, I want both. They just shouldn’t be one and the same.

My vampire boyfriend will know how to have a good time. None of that brooding shit. I am dating a vampire for the excitement, not because I need someone to out-mope me. (Seriously, though, don’t even try.) I have a pretty broad definition of fun, so going out to a movie is probably sufficient. But he has to sit through it without pouting—unless it’s about animals, in which case we’ll both cry. And if it’s a period piece, he’s not allowed to spend the rest of the night talking about how many historical details they got wrong. (My vampire is at least 300 years old. Crazy, right?) He’s going to laugh, often, especially at my dumb jokes. He’s going to be active on Twitter, where he will resist the temptation to overuse the #vampirepersonproblems hashtag.

My vampire boyfriend will not skulk around, ever. He won’t hide out in my room and watch me sleep, because I snore and I would really rather not subject his heightened vampire senses to that. Yeah, he’s going to have a different sleep schedule, but given that I keep pretty late hours, I’m confident we can make it work. And he’s going to have his own friends. Some of them will be vampires, but maybe he’ll hang out with a few werewolves, too. (So over that completely arbitrary rivalry.) We’ll never be bored waiting for one another to wake up, because we’ll have our own shit going on. Though, on that note, he’s not allowed to be grumpy when he wakes up at night.

My vampire boyfriend will love garlic or he will learn to love garlic. Anything else is a dealbreaker.

And that’s what I want in an undead life partner. Oh, relax, I’m not really deluded enough to believe in vampires or any other supernatural creatures, really. But just because I’m in my mid-twenties doesn’t mean I have to let go of all my youthful fantasies. Besides, I might one day meet a really pale musician, and a lot of the same criteria will apply.

9 Responses to “My vampire boyfriend”

  1. Jasmine Gauthier August 15, 2011 at 3:31 pm #

    Pure genius 🙂

  2. curvynerd (@curvynerd) August 15, 2011 at 3:33 pm #

    Can I date your vampire boyfriend? He sounds AWESOME.

    (though, also, Stefan sucks b/c clearly Damon is THE WIN)

  3. Gordon August 15, 2011 at 7:52 pm #


    I’m going to have to steal your undead boyfriend.

  4. Satan August 15, 2011 at 8:54 pm #

    oh i refuse to think that vampires don’t exist. surely if i, Satan, am walking around on this earth, then there are a few vampires around. and could they please come and BITE ME ALREADY, i want to be immortal!

  5. veracityspills August 16, 2011 at 11:52 am #

    I’ve been bitten. Doesn’t hurt one bit.

  6. loula August 16, 2011 at 4:08 pm #

    Twilight does not “teach young girls to feel ashamed of their burgeoning sexuality” Bella is burgeoning throughout the series and not really ashamed about it, what about Edward he’s a virgin too, what about his burgeoning sexuality? It’s really all about the no sex before marriage, after that they’re tearing up pillows, breaking beds and doing it on the floor and Bella’s still only 18, OK no sex before marriage is a little crazy however as with Angel and Buffy sex is barred to build sexual tension

    The ideal vamp boyfriend you portray is more or less Edward Cullen, OK he pouts but wouldn’t you if you were 109 years old and still a virgin and I’m sure you could persuade him to go to the movies

  7. rhea August 18, 2011 at 11:28 am #

    there is a new guy in my school. He is different, he likes to be alone, usually keeps distance from other students.he never brings his lunch pack neither joins us for lunch. I like him, when i told him that, i have seen no reaction on his face,he walked away. I felt something very uncanny. He is not human. I am sure of it. He is very rich, i met his parents too. They don’t talk much. He avoids going to church,always. I have seen changing colour of his eyes. He never shook hands with me. I have to find the mystery about him. I read in a book once that supernaturals never touch anything that made of silver, i have to apply the trick. Let’s see! To be continued……

  8. LOTWendigo August 21, 2011 at 1:47 pm #

    So…your ideal Vampire boyfriend is Nick Knight?


  1. My vampire boyfriend (via 15 Layers of Irony) | This is the way the world ends… - August 21, 2011

    […] My vampire boyfriend (via 15 Layers of Irony) Posted on August 22, 2011 by reallysuperneat| Leave a comment I hate Twilight for a lot of reasons—first and foremost that it teaches young girls to feel ashamed of their burgeoning sexuality. But Twilight also made vampires lame, and while that's not as serious an offense, it's not one I take lightly either. I've always loved vampires, even from an age when I couldn't possibly appreciate the consequences of eternal life. I spent my high school years watching Buffy and Angel, and wondering why I never got t … Read More […]

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